Looking back on my life with observing eyes, it is clear to me that life prepares us for our future. It’s almost like we take a class that we didn’t sign up for, had no interest in, and life said, “but you need this to graduate. And your mom and dad shelled out a lot of dough for your schooling, so here you go! And, please graduate with honors, or your will have to repeat the class over and over again.” Yep. I’m pretty sure that’s how it works. So I am learning to be gentle with myself, as not too much goes un-noticed for me in my life.
I am a self-proclaimed fixer, helper and lover. I get googly eyes when I see someone old, someone young, the sick, the poor, the rich, the living. Yep. I am a big smooshy gushy lover who talks to trees (not in front of anyone) and all animals (in front of everyone). I love life and have a soft spot for most things that breathe. This is my make-up. I didn’t ask to have this personality, I came with it. I was the kid on the school bus who saved a seat for the most rejected, and walked slowly down the halls with those who needed help. I want to believe the world is as beautiful as I see it. My class tells me to button up and be strong. Not everyone drinks the same Kool-Aide.
So how can I a mush like me survive in a world that has light and darkness? How can I accept that I cannot please everyone? How can I accept that I don’t have to please everyone? This is my lesson in the course I enrolled in…unknowingly, of course.
It all comes down to self-love. If I truly love and honor myself, rejection is impossible. Right? Wrong…rejection is possible. Though under these pretenses, it is not mine to fix. It is mine to accept and love. It is mine to love from a far, and stay true to who I am. My test is to keep being me, keep loving, but stop fixing. There are things I am meant to observe, ponder and learn from when it comes to my own growth. Part of my growth is to let go of the illusion that the approval of others has any bearing on who I am. The clincher is to stay loving, release any feelings of resentment or judgement, and see every situation for what it actually is. A lesson in life preparing me for the next level, the next challenge, the next growth spurt. I have found in my seeking that each situation truly comes with ribbon and bow. I have the ability to tie the bow and love the package that it’s in. A lot of wrapping analogy–I know. But I see a series of beautiful packages in my life which are my lessons. When I have an understanding of them, an acceptance, I am then able to wrap them up, love them, accept them as they are, and move forward.
I relish the understanding. I relish being awake and aware in my life. The pain is real, but it is only an angel making me aware that I am putting myself second. I thank my teacher (you know who you are) for that deep lesson. That true self-love is always full, it never lacks anything. Self-love and self-approval are my guiding light to remind myself of my wholeness. When I feel lack, I know that I am allowing something other than love to guide me. I am grateful for that acknowledgement. I am grateful for the lesson. I feel just knowing that it’s OK to let things be and stop fixing is a tremendous release. It is a stepping stone for moving forward, getting on and preparing for life’s next adventure.
This article first appeared in http://blog.spreadhappy.com. Copyright 2013 Andi Evans, all rights reserved.
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